Avis • The Real E-Rock

This is a fun indoor coaster with a simple premise of getting Aerosmith to the concert on time. Will you make it in time? Or will you leave the fans...

This is a fun indoor coaster with a simple premise of getting Aerosmith to the concert on time. Will you make it in time? Or will you leave the fans upset and demanding their money back? And will Joe Murphy make derogatory comments about Aerosmith's hometown, since he hates the Red Sox so much? The answers, respectively, are: 1) Don't know; 2) Don't know; 3) HELL'S YES. Joe does a good job around me, though, when I tell him I like the Dropkick Murphys and occasionally suck down an entire dozen Boston Cream donuts. If he has a problem with it, he does a good job of keeping his thoughts to himself.

You stand up. You go through a loop. As someone with several years of experiencing standing up (I wrote several novels on the subject), I can confir...

You stand up. You go through a loop. As someone with several years of experiencing standing up (I wrote several novels on the subject), I can confirm that this ride offers nothing of note to the whole "standing-up" experience. Sitting down is more fun, as it requires far less effort. Laying down...EVEN BETTER, because it usually involves a bed. Laying down with someone of the opposite sex...ON A BED...well...I'll say no more. There could be kids listening. But, ya know... [WINKS] ...it's NOT terrible.

I have a basket of mismatched socks in my bedroom that I regularly add to when I come across strays here and there. Once every few months, I empty ou...

I have a basket of mismatched socks in my bedroom that I regularly add to when I come across strays here and there. Once every few months, I empty out the basket, arrange the socks by color and see if I'm able to match any together. It takes forever to do and, on a good day, I might end up making 3-4 pairs, with the majority going right back into that basket. I accomplish very little and, looking back on it, recognize that this was not a very good return on my time investment. This is that rollercoaster.

A bit of nostalgia for me, as this was the first bigger wooden rollercoaster I ever rode, at my home amusement park no less. We used to scream "EVERY...

A bit of nostalgia for me, as this was the first bigger wooden rollercoaster I ever rode, at my home amusement park no less. We used to scream "EVERYBODY DIES!" going down that first drop as if it was the biggest thing in the world. I always preferred this side to the left track, which I thought was vastly inferior.

A bit of nostalgia for me, as this was the first bigger wooden rollercoaster I ever rode, at my home amusement park no less. We used to scream "EVERY...

A bit of nostalgia for me, as this was the first bigger wooden rollercoaster I ever rode, at my home amusement park no less. We used to scream "EVERYBODY DIES!" going down that first drop as if it was the biggest thing in the world. I always preferred this side to the right track, which I thought was vastly inferior.

When I boarded this ride, solely because my kids wanted to ride it, the ride operator looked at me and said not a word, but his eyes said to me, "You ...

When I boarded this ride, solely because my kids wanted to ride it, the ride operator looked at me and said not a word, but his eyes said to me, "You poor, sorry son of a bitch." And you know what? He wasn't wrong. I carry that burden to this very day, but my therapist has hope that I will one day overcome it. Wish me luck!

You go forward a bit and then go through a loop. When you're up on the other side of the ride, having completed the loop, you then go backwards throu...

You go forward a bit and then go through a loop. When you're up on the other side of the ride, having completed the loop, you then go backwards through the loop. At the time, this sort of thing passed as entertainment. We have made progress as a society since then.

As uncomfortable as wearing speedos that are three sizes too small? Check. So rough that it could rip teeth from your skull? Yessir. So loud and n...

As uncomfortable as wearing speedos that are three sizes too small? Check. So rough that it could rip teeth from your skull? Yessir. So loud and noisy that six hours of distorted guitar feedback seemed preferable by comparison? Count on it. Every time pain shoots down my left leg when I chew...every time I tilt my head to the right and see pure white agony...every time I sneeze and end up in a body cast for a month...I promise...I shall think of you.

This is definitely a ride that I loved as a kid, and a lot of kids (I'm sure) still enjoy to this day. But times change, we get older and suddenly, y...

This is definitely a ride that I loved as a kid, and a lot of kids (I'm sure) still enjoy to this day. But times change, we get older and suddenly, you have hair growing out of your ears. You wake up every day and your knees hurt. A simple meal like buttered toast gives you heartburn and you steer every conversation towards how you paid 85 cents for a gallon of gasoline when you were in your late teens. And when you're ready to check out, you just keep waking up over and over again with no relief in sight. When you finally come to terms with the fact that you have no say in the timing of you shuffling your mortal coil, you die in your sleep (if you're lucky). Wait...where was I? Oh yeah...Thunder Mountain. Fun for kids! Yay!

The best indoor coaster I've ever ridden. Solid speed and pacing, save for a few moments of pure hellfire, and plenty of twists and turns in the dark...

The best indoor coaster I've ever ridden. Solid speed and pacing, save for a few moments of pure hellfire, and plenty of twists and turns in the dark. So good, I can almost - ALMOST - forgive Brendan Fraser for making "Encino Man." I'll never forgive Pauly Shore for "Encino Man," though. Or any of his movies, really. Or even his existence on this planet.

I don't like how there's one opportunity for an inversion on this ride, but just as it looks like you might be going ass-over-teakettle, you spin out ...

I don't like how there's one opportunity for an inversion on this ride, but just as it looks like you might be going ass-over-teakettle, you spin out so you never actually go upside-down. Shame on you, RipRide. I get to listen to music on the ride, so that's...cool? Maybe? I don't know. I remember this ride showed up in a "Sharknado" movie and Chris Jericho was the ride operator. Imagine how funny it'd be if Fozzie (Bear) fronted Fozzy (the band) instead of Y2J. The Swedish Chef should front a death metal band. You can't make out anything he's saying, anyway.

This ride is all about the theming and the encounter with an actual (!!!) Yeti that occasionally leaves droppings on the track (or so I've heard). He...

This ride is all about the theming and the encounter with an actual (!!!) Yeti that occasionally leaves droppings on the track (or so I've heard). He ever tears up the track, leaving you to do the second half of the ride backwards. What a mischievous little scamp! This dude would make me think twice about booking a trip to Nepal, although I'd probably get confused over the name and end up in Naples (Italy) instead. I prefer gelato to being mauled by a monster, anyway. First round's on me!

An entertaining mix of dark ride and rollercoaster, and I get to wear 3-D glasses to boot! Okay, fine, so it's not a complete thrill from start to fi...

An entertaining mix of dark ride and rollercoaster, and I get to wear 3-D glasses to boot! Okay, fine, so it's not a complete thrill from start to finish...quit crying into your butter beer. Instead, join me as we raise our sword and run toward Mount Doom with an eardrum-bursting cry of "FOR FRODO!"

Noticeable rattle in row #3 on the row ends. Not noticeable in row #1, which is the best spot (for obvious reasons). Some decent elements overall. ...

Noticeable rattle in row #3 on the row ends. Not noticeable in row #1, which is the best spot (for obvious reasons). Some decent elements overall. It’s the Danny DeVito of rollercoasters…fun but short. Did you know he and Arnold Schwarzenegger are twins?

Now we’re talking…not among my favorite hypers, but a good, solid ride with at least a half-dozen floater moments (better up front). Almost makes me ...

Now we’re talking…not among my favorite hypers, but a good, solid ride with at least a half-dozen floater moments (better up front). Almost makes me forget about Shaquille O’Neal’s “Steel” movie. Papa John’s isn’t real pizza. Fight me. I don’t care.

A mixed bag here, and probably my least-favorite invert to date. Noticeable dead spot when riding in the back row, but disappears as you get closer t...

A mixed bag here, and probably my least-favorite invert to date. Noticeable dead spot when riding in the back row, but disappears as you get closer to the front. I like the dive into the dugout. I made a Naked Gun 2 1/2 title joke when we were in line. Hey, it’s Enrico Pallazzo! (That wasn’t the joke, though. That’s from the first movie.)

Terrific eff-you moment right out of the station with a totally pointless inversion, taken at a whopping 10 mph (estimated), and you feel every bit of...

Terrific eff-you moment right out of the station with a totally pointless inversion, taken at a whopping 10 mph (estimated), and you feel every bit of it. Outside of that, it’s a totally passable (but not super memorable) floorless coaster. For the record, I dig Cap, would NEVER hail Hydra and found “Agent Carter” superior to “Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Decent launches forward and backwards, and looking straight up/down can be a brief highlight depending on your seat. Obvious boomerang/shuttle coaste...

Decent launches forward and backwards, and looking straight up/down can be a brief highlight depending on your seat. Obvious boomerang/shuttle coaster limitations, however. Can confirm firsthand, though, that ACTUAL demon possession is more fun. Give it a try on a rainy day!

Pretty standard fare here. Nothing really stood out. If not for this review, I’m pretty sure I’d forget this as quickly as I’ve forgotten my kids’ n...

Pretty standard fare here. Nothing really stood out. If not for this review, I’m pretty sure I’d forget this as quickly as I’ve forgotten my kids’ names. But I sure do love kid #1, kid #2 and kid #3.

I don’t think wild mice typically move in sharp hairpin turns. They mostly just move in a straight line, typically in the direction of food that some...

I don’t think wild mice typically move in sharp hairpin turns. They mostly just move in a straight line, typically in the direction of food that someone dropped on the floor. I’d feel embarrassed if I had to ride this for coaster credit #85.

I need a re-ride to serve as a refresher for me, but if my memory from almost 20 years serves me correctly, we pulled some serious G's on this thing. ...

I need a re-ride to serve as a refresher for me, but if my memory from almost 20 years serves me correctly, we pulled some serious G's on this thing. Unfortunately, I was dumb back then and didn't appreciate hyper coasters. Oh, if I could go back and punch my old self in the face, I would. I could punch myself in the face NOW, but what would be the point?

I don’t remember much head banging when I last rode this over 20 years ago, but I was also a pretty dumb kid. I remember a part on this ride where I ...

I don’t remember much head banging when I last rode this over 20 years ago, but I was also a pretty dumb kid. I remember a part on this ride where I was like, “WHOOOOOOOAAAAAA ARRERRRGH MUUAMUAMAAARRRFFFFF!” But I don’t remember exactly why.

Your standard shuttle coaster. Back, forward, twisty loopy thing, up the hill, then backwards through it all again. About as thrilling as a new Shar...

Your standard shuttle coaster. Back, forward, twisty loopy thing, up the hill, then backwards through it all again. About as thrilling as a new Sharknado film.

Butt-Head’s T-shirt on merchandise said “SKULL” instead of “AC/DC” because of copyright issues. Same reason Beavis’ T-shirt said “DEATH ROCK” instead...

Butt-Head’s T-shirt on merchandise said “SKULL” instead of “AC/DC” because of copyright issues. Same reason Beavis’ T-shirt said “DEATH ROCK” instead of “METALLICA.”

It went up. It went down. Left? Right? Check…and check. It both rolled AND coasted. These are things nobody can take from this ride. I’m sure i...

It went up. It went down. Left? Right? Check…and check. It both rolled AND coasted. These are things nobody can take from this ride. I’m sure its parents are very proud. They probably have a bumper sticker on their car to back up this claim.

My homemade cranberry sauce recipe: - 12 oz fresh cranberries - 1 C white sugar - 1 C orange juice In a medium saucepan, stir sugar into orange ...

My homemade cranberry sauce recipe: - 12 oz fresh cranberries - 1 C white sugar - 1 C orange juice In a medium saucepan, stir sugar into orange juice until completely dissolved. Heat on medium, stirring constantly until all cranberries have popped and mixture comes to a sustained, rolling boil. Remove from heat and store in fridge overnight. Mixture will thicken as it cools.

Crouton kept apologizing for slamming into me because of the weird seating situation, but I know he didn't do it on purpose. I still love him and alw...

Crouton kept apologizing for slamming into me because of the weird seating situation, but I know he didn't do it on purpose. I still love him and always will.